As the weather gets warmer here in
the Midwestern US, so too do the nighttime hours. Much to my
dismay, I might add, as my body functions more like a furnace than almost
anyone else I know. My thoughts have
thus been on the nocturne of late as I contemplate the real problems I have
sleeping. Temperature is only one of the
smaller ones.
Many people I know have problems
when they have a sheet or a blanket on during the summer. Some of them have said that all they need to
do is put one leg outside the sheet, and their body temperature is “just
right”. I can’t willingly stick my leg
out like that in the night, and the reason is very simple. I’m talking, of course, about carpet-sharks. You see, carpet-sharks are vile beasts very
similar to normal sharks, except they lurk underneath the carpets in your
house, especially in the bedroom. They
never show themselves, but every time you expose a limb or get out of bed
without turning on a light, you take your life in your hands. Carpet-sharks fear light, and dive deep into
the floor the instant there’s enough to allow a human to see. Once the light goes off, they return and wait
for you to hang your leg just over the side of the bed… and that’s when they
strike, dragging you out of bed, and deep within the carpet.
I knew a kid growing up who fell
victim to a pod of carpet-sharks. His
parents told police that the entire rug was red; especially one section, where
an expert in household monsters figured three or more of them fought over the
pieces. They hired a team of rug doctors
to try to find some bit of the boy, but there was nothing left. The kid’s parents then tore out and burned
all the carpets in their house. That’s
the only way to get rid of them, but once you install new carpeting, you have only
a few weeks before they return.
So some people say to keep all the
bedding on the side of the bed opposite the wall and leave my feet
uncovered. Clearly, they don’t worry
about foot-gremlins that live under their mattress, and wait to do horrible
things to their feet. Foot-gremlins live
almost anywhere, mostly in the same sorts of places as carpet-sharks, but have
also been known to inhabit schools, churches, and fast food franchises (this is
just another reason to avoid McDonald’s).
In high school, I accidentally fell asleep before a play rehearsal
after school while sitting in the hallway with my feet bare.
When I came to, I found that all of my toenails had glossy, black nail
polish on them. As I was writing this
very post, those bloody gremlins stole the rubber-band ball on my desk. It’s just over an inch in diameter, and has
no solid core.
The worst thing to bother me at
night, however, is my own mind. When one
is as obviously brilliant,
clever, and intellectual
as I, the mind can be a very potent thing.
There are occasions during the night when my dreams can turn
hostile. These sorts of nightmares would
frighten and disturb some of the best minds I know, but usually not mine. For you see, as a nerd, I have faced many
monsters in my mind’s eye, and therefore have an advantage when dealing with
them. I do not run from dream creatures,
for I can make myself fly faster than they can even move. When cornered, I become a Dream Knight, and can
create with my mental facilities dream armour that is proof against dream monsters, and dream weapons
that can cleave even the toughest of those foul beings. Of course, these dreams are most likely
caused by hitherto undiagnosed sleep apnea.
The point is, there can be many
hindrances to sleep that regular science cannot explain. Oh, and I just found my rubber-band ball
behind my air purifier, by the closet. I
think the gremlins are trying to lure me near the closet where the carpet-sharks
are waiting for me... buggers are getting smarter...
