Womanspeak

I decided to do something helpful to my masculine counterparts who lack understanding of the things that are most important in life (or perhaps “to his life”).  This post is intended to be a navigational guide as to the contradictory, illogical, and otherwise counter-intuitive things that women often say.

I suppose you may need to see a few credentials before you can take any of this seriously.  Fine.  Despite having grown up with one sister and three brothers (all older than me), I am qualified to give this information for several reasons:

1.  I said so

2.  I was the only male at my place of employment for five years working with nine (yes, nine) women

3.  I had a high school girlfriend who registered in the Shelly Gallesby Zone on the Hot-Crazy Scale

I am not responsible for anything that happens to you for pointing out any of these things to whatever women are in your life, nor for using these words/phrases against them, nor even for following any advice I give.  This is only a partial listing of things women say, as I am not fluent in Womanspeak, and is listed in no particular order.  If anything I say in this post offends you, whatever (see below).

Fine:  This word is used by women to end any argument.  You should never continue talking about it after she utters this word.  Also, just assume that you are wrong.  Even if you are technically “correct”, know that you are wrong.  This will just serve to make your life much easier.  Variations include “okay”, “yep”, and “alright”.

Nothing:  This is a typical response to the question, “What’s wrong?”  When she says this, she is lying.  However, it will generally lead to an argument if you try to press her into explaining what’s bothering her, so don’t even try.  Let her decide when to explain.  Note: By the time she decides to tell you, it will probably be too late, so make sure to get some thick, rich peanut butter or Ben and Jerry's ice cream to give her when the fit hits the shan.

Do You Need to Stop:  A woman almost only asks this when on the road, especially on long, cross-country trips, most especially when passing a sign indicating a rest area, gas station, or other place to stop.  What she really means by it is “I need to pee, so pull over at the closest place with a semi-clean restroom.”  Variations of this include “are you hungry”, and “are you tired”.  When she asks any of these questions, say “yes”, and then stop, get some food, or put her to bed.

It’s OK:  Any time a woman says this, know that whatever you did/said, you are royally screwed.  She may seem calm about it now, but in seven month’s time, she’ll pull that instance out of the back of her mind during an argument, at a time when you’ve done something similar, on a rotten day, or just whenever, and make you suffer for it.  Sometimes, she even plots out some physical pain or severe social embarrassment for you to undergo years down the road.  And no, she will not forget about it.

Whatever:  This is the nicest way women have of telling you to screw off.  Do not, I repeat, do not continue the conversation further if she says this.  Often coupled with “fine”.

Go Ahead:  This is one of the more deceptive parts of Womanspeak.  Normally, this is used in response to you wanting to do something of which she strongly disapproves.  SHE IS NOT GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO DO WHATEVER IT IS!!!!!  IT IS A DARE TO SEE HOW STUPID YOU REALLY ARE!!!!  DON’T DO IT!!!!!!

Wow:  This is short for “Wow, you really are that stupid”.  It often follows “go ahead”.  And if you did whatever she said “go ahead” to, then you deserve this.

Do You Think That Girl is Hot:  Admiral Ackbar would have something to say about this one.  When a woman says this, she is looking for a fight.  There is only one thing I know of that has any chance of diffusing the fight.  Note: This is an untested hypothesis, and is just as likely to work as it is to backfire and make things a whole lot worse.  You have to not even look toward the girl she means (if you were looking before, STOP IT NOW), take her hands in yours while turning to look directly into her eyes, and smile as you say, “Why would I need to look at other girls when I have you?”

Taking her hands is very key because she will give one of three possible reactions.  First, she might think you’re being romantic, which effect will be enhanced by the intimacy of holding her hands.  Second, she might think you’re being cheesy and funny, and the hand holding will amplify this as well.  Third, she’s crazy, and gripping her hands will prevent her from strangling you.

Does This Make Me Look Fat:  This is the deadliest thing a woman can say, as there is no safe way out of it.  If you say “no”, whether or not you’re telling the truth, she will assume that you’re lying to protect either her feelings, or your safety, and hold it against you for a looooooooonnnnnngggg time.  I have heard from multiple women that the best way out of this is to take your lumps now.  The least bad (not the best; just the least bad) response is to look her dead in the eyes and say, “Yeah, pretty much.”

No, really.  If she was pulling this line out on you, you were already in Big Trouble (probably for something to which she said, “it’s ok” four years ago), and so you might as well bring it all to a head, and get it over with now.  You will probably have to spend a week or two on the couch, as well as be denied any sort of pleasantries (verbal and otherwise) for several months, but this is better than what will surely happen to you if you say “no”.

It should also be noted that if she responds to your answer with “It’s OK”, or any variation thereof, you may as well commit seppuku now.  I’m sure she would be happy to act as your kaishakunin.

I hope you, my fellow men of the world, are able to recognise these parts of Womanspeak in the future, and respond appropriately, for the sake of your health and safety, and to ensure that future posterity may be born.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to write some poetry before I open my belly with a knife.