Chronically Single...? Mk III

I made a New Year’s Resolution last year, and declare now that I accomplished it!

Bugger…

I’m disappointed because I resolved then that I would remain chronically single for this entire year.  And so have I done, though not for lack of trying.  I actually managed to get a date in November, but I didn’t blog about it because this one was different.  Allow me to explain.

There was a girl from church I had a crush on for about a year before I finally worked up the courage to her on a date, and we were able to do it the day after Thanksgiving.  Unfortunately, we never could match an opening in our schedules thereafter, and a few months later, she left for nursing school in North Dakota, so we both called it off.

Three years passed, and then I heard this last September that she was moving back to the area.  When I heard this, a slumbering beast in my chest began to stir.  Then at the beginning of November I heard that she had moved back, and the beast lifted its head to sniff tentatively at the air.  A week later, I saw her at church, and the beast sat up to gaze about and decide how to proceed.

Only two weeks later, I asked her to dinner, figuring that my problem is that I usually wait too long to act.  We went to a local restaurant and talked about all the usual junk: family, books, movies, etc.  But I wasn't sensing too much in terms of attraction from her, though she did seem to be having a decently good time.

When I was dropping her off, we sat for a spell, and I finally confessed plainly that I still liked her.  She said, smiling, “I… kind of gathered that.”  So I asked if there was anything reciprocal, to which she answered after a pause and with a tilt of the head, “I don’t object…”

The beast in my chest clawed anxiously at the ground, and I stroked my beard in a pointedly comic fashion, staring into the distance and commenting, “Hmm…  It’s a start…”

She laughed, and then went on to say that I was fun to be around, and even suggested that that maybe we could meet again for something.  I mentioned that I’d been thinking about possibly going to the Rotary lights display in Riverside Park, and taking the carriage ride.  She replied with another smile and in a higher tone than usual, “Oo… that's kind of romantic.”

I told her wryly, “Yeah, believe it or not, I do have a romantic side.  The trouble is I never really get a chance to show it…”  We both kind of laughed, and I added, “It’s just something to think about, if you’re interested.”

I got out of the car and went to open her door for her (I can be a gentleman when I choose).  We bade goodnight, and she offered me a hug (of course I took it, duh), and we went our separate ways.

Perhaps I was being a bit too optimistic about the situation, but it occurred to me that she was basically asking me to make gesture in the direction of a steady relationship if I was serious.

Well, I was going to ask her out again the next Sunday, but she left before church was done.  So I called and left a message that I had a few questions for her (not all relating to relations, but to other things going on at the time), and she never called back (I’m now given to understand that this in itself means “no”).  By Wednesday, I was feeling frustrated about the whole situation, and decided to pray about it.  When I asked if I should pursue this further, I got a fairly negative feeling.  Figuring that may have been my own paranoia, I asked instead if I was actually being redirected, to which I felt better that before.  I disliked that and finally texted the girl, asking if she was available later in the week; and this was her response:

“I don’t think so.  I don't want to lead you on.  Thank you for asking me though.  I don’t know why but I’m just not feeling it.  I am very flattered.  :)”

I replied, “Well, I won’t lie and say that didn’t hurt” (and hurt it did…) “but I can’t say I’m entirely surprised.  At least now I have some closure for my feelings for you, and can move on.  Speaking of being upset, what are the girls at work going to say?!!  : \”

She offered an apology for it all, mentioning that she’s been in the same situation too.  I told her to not feel sorry for me, because I used to do enough of that myself, and that if she's not interested, then I’ll just have to get over it.  I also said that her honesty was appreciated and somewhat endearing.

I haven’t really seen this girl much since our texted conversation (I think she's been out of town), and I sincerely hope she doesn’t feel bad about it.  After all, my feelings are my problem; not hers.  And as I told her, I’ll just have to get over it.  I still feel a bit sad if I think about it too much (in fact, I had to stop typing once and do something else until I felt better), but that will fade in time.

The only thing that still reeeaaallllllyyyy bothers me about the whole thing is that I never even got a chance to make a romantic gesture.  I never had an opportunity to show her how I feel about her.  I feel that Fate cheated me out of something this time.  It still upsets me to think about that, even over a month later.  But I suppose that wound will take extra time and care to heal.  After all, I had the impression that I was being redirected.  Where, I know not.  But I’m clearly not meant to be with this particular girl.  Only time will tell.